MATTs Radio

I’ll be the “special” guest on MATTs Radio tonight from 6-8pm.

With guest host and secret lover, Brady Novak.

www.mattsradio.com

Toin it on.

Track Listing For My New Passive Aggressive Country Album

1.  That’s Fine You Forget My Birthday (No One Remembers Anyone’s 46th)

2.  I’ll Just Watch My Stories (You Fellers Go To Town Without Me)

3.  Fine With Spendin’ Christmas Alone (JUST FINE!)

4.  I Don’t Even LIKE Dollyworld Anyway

5.  Don’t Worry About Me (I’ll Just Clean My Guns)

6.  It’s Okay, Pa’s Don’t NEED No Card On Their 47th

7.  Ice Cream Gives Me A Belly Ache (None For Me, Thank Ya)

8.  I’m Not Cryin’ I Just Don’t Feel Well

9.  Don’t Save Me None (I’ll Get Somethin’ On The Trail Home)

10.  I’m Used To Bein Lonesome

11.  Guess My Horses Don’t Love Me No More

The Pure Terror That I Felt

Yesterday evening, exhausted from work, paranoid and anxious due to my hangover and waiting on the subway platform, I was engaged by a large man filling the air with noxious filtered alcohol seeping from his person.

This was his approach, staring into my narrowed eyes, his own bulging from what I’ve seen as an effect of angel dust:

“Hey man.  Hey bro!  Hey…you remember Jeffrey Dahmer?!”

Yep.

“Yeah man, alot of people forgot about him.” (Closer, staring harder now)

C’mon.  Not today.

Then, the train arrived.  Someone else’s problem now.

-The End-

Look, no one seems to be taking me seriously when I use it as a credit.  I really am on the “Style Squad” for Soap Opera Disgest. Is it really THAT far fetched? The only real question is whether it’s meta humour or I’m just so far undercover that I might not be able to come back to my real life, just like Keanu in Point Break.

Look, no one seems to be taking me seriously when I use it as a credit.  I really am on the “Style Squad” for Soap Opera Disgest.

Is it really THAT far fetched? The only real question is whether it’s meta humour or I’m just so far undercover that I might not be able to come back to my real life, just like Keanu in Point Break.

Stuff I Want For Christmas #3:  Michael Jordan’s 1986 Fleer Rookie Card- Graded PSA 10. C’mon, it’s only like, I don’t know, 10 grand or something.  But on eBay, who knows?! This is your chance to make me your best friend for life.  Don’t miss out!

Stuff I Want For Christmas #3:  Michael Jordan’s 1986 Fleer Rookie Card- Graded PSA 10.

C’mon, it’s only like, I don’t know, 10 grand or something.  But on eBay, who knows?!

This is your chance to make me your best friend for life.  Don’t miss out!

Stuff Nobody Wants For Christmas #1:  Becker Season 2 Here ya go Grandpa,  Merry Christmas! I found this on the floor at Goodwill, it’s missing a disc, but it looks like someone put a Korn cd in its place by accident. Why did I get you this?  Well, remember the time you whipped me with a fishing pole for running over your racist lawn jockey with my Huffy?  Payback’s a motherfucker.

Stuff Nobody Wants For Christmas #1:  Becker Season 2

Here ya go Grandpa,  Merry Christmas! I found this on the floor at Goodwill, it’s missing a disc, but it looks like someone put a Korn cd in its place by accident.

Why did I get you this?  Well, remember the time you whipped me with a fishing pole for running over your racist lawn jockey with my Huffy? 

Payback’s a motherfucker.

This Christmas, see the movie your mother will make your dad waste his evening at! This Christmas, see the film your mother will talk about with her friends during a nice luncheon! This Christmas, see the film your mother will tell you about on the phone and say you you should go see it because, “Oh my gosh, Hugh Grant is soooo funny!” This Christmas, see the film I’ll eventually probably sit through on HBO because, whatever, it was on, and I was sorta depressed. This Christmas, see the film that Sandra Bullock and Dermot Mulroney were too busy to shit out! Look asshole, this Christmas, see this fucking movie, stupid.  You’ll see anything that’s a romantic comedy that has two archetypical actors such as these in it!  Well, won’t you?!  Yeah you fucking will.  Anything to forget how shitty your life is and how shitty your family is and how the holidays suck and how you suck and what a failure you are.  And for an hour and a half of basically anything else to think about, you’ll gladly plunk down 12 bucks plus popcorn and soda.  Look motherfucker, we’ve got you, right between the goddamn eyes.  Look at me.  LOOK AT ME! (smack)  Yeah, that’s right.  Cry.  Cry you fucking baby!  Now, you’re gonna go see this fucking shitty movie and LIKE IT.  Pathetic.  You stupid pathetic sack of excrement.  You make me sick.  Enjoy the fucking movie you dumb motherfucker.

This Christmas, see the movie your mother will make your dad waste his evening at!

This Christmas, see the film your mother will talk about with her friends during a nice luncheon!

This Christmas, see the film your mother will tell you about on the phone and say you you should go see it because, “Oh my gosh, Hugh Grant is soooo funny!”

This Christmas, see the film I’ll eventually probably sit through on HBO because, whatever, it was on, and I was sorta depressed.

This Christmas, see the film that Sandra Bullock and Dermot Mulroney were too busy to shit out!

Look asshole, this Christmas, see this fucking movie, stupid.  You’ll see anything that’s a romantic comedy that has two archetypical actors such as these in it!  Well, won’t you?!  Yeah you fucking will.  Anything to forget how shitty your life is and how shitty your family is and how the holidays suck and how you suck and what a failure you are.  And for an hour and a half of basically anything else to think about, you’ll gladly plunk down 12 bucks plus popcorn and soda.  Look motherfucker, we’ve got you, right between the goddamn eyes.  Look at me.  LOOK AT ME! (smack)  Yeah, that’s right.  Cry.  Cry you fucking baby!  Now, you’re gonna go see this fucking shitty movie and LIKE IT.  Pathetic.  You stupid pathetic sack of excrement.  You make me sick.  Enjoy the fucking movie you dumb motherfucker.

Stuff I Want For Christmas #2: A Ric Flair robe.  Any one would be fine.  I’ll wear it onstage and everything.  And I promise to never get drunk and eat Taco Bell in it.

Stuff I Want For Christmas #2:

A Ric Flair robe.  Any one would be fine.  I’ll wear it onstage and everything.  And I promise to never get drunk and eat Taco Bell in it.

Dearest Sons of Anarchy, Look, you got me.  I ADORE the show.  And the 90-minute season finale?  Mwah! But then, in the middle of it, you give a cameo AND a LINE to…Mancow Muller? Why SAMCRO?!  WHYYYYYYY!!! It’s like you blew the caterer on our wedding day. I hope to forgive you by season 3. -Mike

Dearest Sons of Anarchy,

Look, you got me.  I ADORE the show.  And the 90-minute season finale?  Mwah!

But then, in the middle of it, you give a cameo AND a LINE to…Mancow Muller?

Why SAMCRO?!  WHYYYYYYY!!!

It’s like you blew the caterer on our wedding day.

I hope to forgive you by season 3.

-Mike

I was failing to describe this trailer to Matt Braunger and how for a VERY brief moment about a year ago I actually thought it was the real deal for the big budget G.I. Joe movie.  Obviously this could never be true, but oh what a wonderful world it would be if it would have been.  Gangsta Destro?!  Jesus yes yes yes.