Dear Guys’ Night,

I feel awkward writing you, this is my first time seeking help in what I think is an otherwise perfect marriage. My wife and I have been married 22 beautiful years, we have 5 awesome kids, work is great, church is great. Promise Keeper? You betcha. You’re looking at a six-year Promise Keeper veteran. Here’s my issue. Recently I shared with my wife that I ‘experimented’ with some other boys while I was in high school. NOTHING GAY, just some mutual jack sessions, some role-playing blowjobs (we made sure to pretend to be girls!) the usual healthy teen boy stuff. My wife freaked out. She wants me to see our pastor for some counseling, but I told her this is completely normal. What do you think, GN?

Thanks,

Bob Prendergast

(attached is a photo of me and promise keepers founder Bill McCartney)

Dear Bob,

Your wife wants you to see some priest for counseling on what she thinks is “gay”?! That’s just gonna be confusing. Priests are promise keepers too. To God. And if anyone can understand how a man who doesn’t have sex with women needs some release by having a mutual jack sesh or a few role playing beejers, it’s men of the cloth. Ask any doctor and he’ll tell you that it’s not healthy to hold in your business too long. And if you can’t turn to your buddies for help, then they’re not very good pals.

Guys in high school have enough pressure to be “cool” and before you learn how to hook up with a slammin’ chick, you don’t wanna water down your rep and chase after the hoaglys. It’s better to just kick it with the fellas and get some practice in so when you finally score that tasty senior, you’ll be able to get the j.o.b. d.o.n.e. If your wife didn’t have any brothers in high school, she’d never understand. And if she did have some and they didn’t ever have a few buddies over to shoot the shit and tug one down, then they must have been fucking nerds. I’m sure you’ve told your kids the same thing ‘cuz you sound like a stand up guy.

I remember when I was 15, my buddies Karl and Vern and me used to play Sega Genesis hockey and loser had to help the winner out with a few spit soaked strokes. It was just a little healthy competition to help us do the right and healthy thing for our bodies.

The next time she brings it up, call her a lesbo and ask her how it feels to be judged. Because she sounds like she might be a lesbo. Otherwise she wouldn’t be complaining. 6-year promise keeper? Maaaaaan, you must be layin’ down some sweet pipe on the mad regular!

Thanks for writing,

-GN

Dear Guys’ Night,

Last week I got special backstage passes to a WWE event, and the Degeneration X guys (Shawn Michaels and Triple H) kept doing their thing where they cross their arms over their crotches and say “SUCK IT!”

The thing was, we were alone in a green room together.

Ever since then, whenever I watch wrestling I get kind of a tingly feeling in my pants. Not a full hard on, just a little movement. Did they make me gay?

Should I stop watching wrestling? Sorry if this is weird, but I don’t know who to ask about this.

-DX Fan

Dear DX Fan,

Even if you WERE gay, there’s nothing gay about Degeneration X, so you wouldn’t be into it anyway. To be honest, I get full on bad boners watching wrestling and other sports all the time. That doesn’t mean I’m gay, DX Fan. Look, I’ve gotten an erection at the grocery store too, but that doesn’t mean I’m some sort of food pervert.

Frankly, I’m sick and tired of people making hackneyed comments about how wrestling is “gay”. First off, when they say it’s “gay”, it’s used as a derogatory statement, and while all of us here at Guys’ Night are just guys bein’ guys, we’re no homophobes. I know this one guy from college who has a gay brother. True story.

Here’s the other thing, Vince McMahon is no dummy. He markets to the fellas AND all the sexy gal wrestling fans. And if there’s one thing the ladies can’t resist, it’s The Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels. That’s why I keep pictures of him all over my West Hollywood apartment. It gets the ladies dizzamp! And that Triple H is no slouch himself. He’s my buddy Karl’s favorite wrestler.

Karl says he’s more “rugged”.

The next time you watch wrestling, have a few buddies over and stare at their crotches. Bet you see more than a few tents. It’ll make you feel better knowing it’s not just you that gets electrified by the excitement of the WWE! No big deal.

Suck it! (jk, ha!)

-Guys’ Night

(you can always see previous Guys’ Nights and other junk at www.mikeburnscomedy.com)

What up Gizzo Nizzo!

You watch Entourage last night?! Man, that epp was off the chain! Basically, the whole show was about how Turtle has to go to his first day of college in his Maserati, Vince comes with, then, 5-minutes after being there, Vin goes up to the room of a sexy co-ed and gives her a bit of the old Chase charm while he video tapes it. SO good. One of the best yet.

My buddies know what a fan I am and even call me “Drama”. And they’ve all said that “If you like Entourage, you gotta watch Mad Men! Those guys REALLY know how to live.”

So I DVR’d Mad Men and gave it a whirl. Umm…how can I put this so I don’t puke?

(spoiler alert)

The whole episode was about two guys making out and giving each other tugs. I couldn’t find the remote fast enough. Even alone in my locked apartment I was afraid someone would walk in or see what I was watching through the window.

Basically, my boys pulled a fast one on me to make me watch that queer show and I want to know how to get them back. What’s a good burn?

-Dramz



Dramz,

I don’t know how to break it to you, but I actually don’t think you were set up. I watched MM last night and like you, was bit thrown off by the gay jack off scene.

But I rewound it 6 or 10 times just to try and figure out what REALLY was going on there and I think I’ve got the answer.

See, Mad Men times was way back in the ’80s when porn wasn’t really coming into it’s own yet. Chicks still had bushes and stuff and the guy’s weren’t nearly as thick and long and shaved down and they didn’t have ripped abs and like they do now. There was alot of confusion. So sometimes, guys had to help each other out with how business goes down. I know it might sound weird, but it totally wasn’t a gay thing at all for one guy to give a hands on tutorial of how to get the nasty. Just one guy helpin’ out another guy. No big deal. Remember, this was the ’80s when there wasn’t the internet. It was pretty messed up back then. Plus, guys had to work alot. So with no time to cheat on their wives and sore hands from laboring, you had to have another dude help you get that release. Think of it like soldiers in a war doing something brave. And if you wanna call soldiers gay, then buddy, you’ve got some problems coming.

But, if you still want to get back at your buds for something else, I like to sneak my buddy Karl’s phone from him, change his girl’s number to my name, then take a picture of my balls with my phone in the bathroom and send it to him with the message, “Hey baby, check this out.”

He’s usually so embarrassed he just smiles and doesn’t say anything about it. Burn!

Lates,
-GN